Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I'm back

Okay, I have been gone a LONG time and I understand if you are mad.

Quick synopsis:

New Job
Family health issues
Kid turned 5
We acquired a goldfish as a party favor
The cat ate ribbon
Hippies were everywhere

I shall discuss all of these stories in a new post tonight. I have been trying to catch up on all of your blogs, so far I am almost done. Please be patient with me!

The MILF

Friday, April 17, 2009

Early Retirement...

Well, I busted my ass for 3 1/2 months to meet the April 15th deadline only to be laid off April 16th. It sucks but what can you do. Tonight I shall celebrate with $1 beers with some friends and not think about it. I am going to enjoy the most beautiful weekend by FINALLY putting the top down on the Jeep and cruising around. I have been stuck inside working like crazy but now that I dont have to, I won't. I have the place to myself this weekend and girls nights planned today and tomorrow. Drunken stories to follow...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

March Madness + Tax Season = Stress Drinking

I am borderline obsessed with college basketball. March Madness is the greatest time of year for me. My man loves football like it's his job, and doesn't get how I can watch basketball for hours on end. I tried to tell him that it is pretty easy, especially with alcohol involved. But then there are the times that I have entered bracket pools and the teams I have picked either lose, or play the closest game EVER. When this happens, I tend to drink more, and by more, I mean that the drinks suddenly become more vodka, less mixer.

Like for instance, if I was drinking right now, I would be having about 3 shots to cope with UCLA's lack of skills. (It's 11-23 Villanova as I type this) When this happens, I tend to say fuck a lot more than normal, which means that I say fuck every other word instead of every third. It is also the middle of tax season and work is insane.

Oh, and my son has taken it upon himself to speak with a British accent. Conversations have been quite interesting around here.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

If You Saw The Leprechaun Say YEAHHHHH!!!

One of my favorite news clips. If are going out tonight, be safe, no DUI's or unprotected sex. Now enjoy the clip, especially the amateur sketch.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Congratulations!!!

I just want to announce that our friends Emily & Shawn just welcomed their new baby girl into the world today. I will be going to see her tonight, and hopefully, will get some more pics, but for now, enjoy the pic that was sent to me.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Hate Miley But Love Tequila

In the news today, it is reported that Miley Cyrus is writing an autobiography to be titled "Miles To Go" that chronicles her preteen life in Tennessee. Give me a fucking break. She has the life I dream of. I would love to be 16, have a smoking hot boyfriend who just happens to be an underwear model, live in a house that I paid for, and have my biggest problem be that I got a hand-me-down Porsche. Oh the trauma she must face! Hand-me-down Porsche? Yes please!

In light of this news, it made me think about what I would write in my autobiography (if I were to do so). I immediately thought about tequila and all of the great times we have had together.

One instance is that a girlfriend and I went over to play drinking games at a guy friends house (I had a TON of guy friends). On this particular evening, there was only four of us there, two boys, two girls. What do we do? Drink and decide play strip poker of course!

Somehow tequila came out, the game turned to truth or dare once I was down to my matching bra and undies (panties sounds creepy to me and thank goodness it was not a thong!) and my friend was I think topless or close to it. It was my turn and I picked dare. I was dared to run down the entire street in all of my half naked glory while screaming "I LOVE TEQUILA" at 3:15 a.m. in the residential neighborhood we were in.

Not one to ever back down from a dare, I did it. I was allowed to put on shoes but nothing else. Some neighbors were pissed, some laughed and I even got a beer handed to me along my run back by what I now remember was the creepy old man in that 'hood. I had forgotten all about this little incident until the girl that was with me that night reminded me. Suddenly the memory came flooding back. I couldn't help but smile and thank God that I did not puke that night.

While pondering this fun night, I remembered that in my heavy party days, I carried my video camera everywhere. I taped so much stuff that I don't remember. Once I viewed the tapes, the flashbacks came and warmed my soul. It reminded me of life BC (before child), before my man, where the biggest worry I had was a car payment. I had the greatest times, whether they were at a frat party at Maryland or sitting and having a beer on someone's back porch.

I watch my son now, and think how lucky he is. He has no clue what rent is. His biggest responsiblity is cleaning his room. I just hope he had as much fun as I did, and still do.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Lily Allen Is My Alter Ego

I think Lily Allen and I were seperated at birth. Here are the reasons why:

1. We both drink, a lot, when partying.
2. We both swear like sailors.
3. I too have wanted to tell Elton John to fuck off (him, not his music), she just got the opportunity.
4. We both look smoking hot when thin.
5. When plumper we still look totally cute.
6. I watch BBC America nonstop, I feel that she does this while in the states.
7. I too would start something with Katy Perry, that girl is just so fucking annoying. You kissed a girl, get over it.
8. Her song "The Fear" is everything I say out loud anyways.
9. She seems snarky and bitchy and I have been known to be both at times.
10. I think since I watch so much BBC, that maybe I am secretly British or belong there.

Or maybe I am just a smartass who likes anything with alcohol, speaks her mind and likes British comedies. Who knows.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Winter Weather - Part 2

Dear Mother Nature,

It's March 2nd. Why do I have five inches of snow on my deck? I had a lovely weekend with weather in the mid-50's since Thursday. Then yesterday you threw a cruel curveball and dumped snow in the Northeast. It's not funny. I am now sitting at home with the kid running circles around this place because he is sick of being inside. The snow looks beautiful from our windows, but when we go outside you hit us with 40 mph winds that chill us to the bone. The only good thing about this weather is that I can now keep my wine cold on the deck, rather than taking up room in my fridge. I need to save that for the beer.

The Milf

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Decisions, decisions...

Obama or Real Housewives? What am I going to do? Watch the housewives bitch at each other on the "Tell All" special and then read about Obama's speech tomorrow.

This is where things get tricky: I am a HUGE fan of Top Chef; however, I am an ever bigger fan of college basketball, the Maryland Terps in particular. I heart Fabio and am royally pissed that he had to go home. Now who is going to reassure me that "This is not Top Scallop!" and charm me. Yet I live and breathe Terps basketball. My TV watching schedule revolves around games. I only cover myself with a Terps blanket during the season. I even put off a much needed nap on Saturday to watch them kick North Carolina's ass in overtime. I don't drink while watching games because they deserve my full attention. Did you see that??? I don't drink during Terps games. Now that is two occasions I don't drink (first one is anything kid related). The biggest game of our year is tomorrow night, us vs. Duke.


Fear the Turtle!!!

If you know anything about college b-ball, you know that Duke is a powerhouse. Coach K is truly awesome, but growing up in Maryland has taught me two things: Duke really is the devil (a blue one at that) and crabs are the most delicious things ever. Duke is somewhat of a rival for us. We have been in playoff contention so many times yet have had our hopes crushed in their hands. As soon as we think we have a shot they come and snatch it like the assholes that they are. Sure we have won our fair share of games against them, but it's the ones that hurt us the most that we remember.

The dilemma is this: watch the Top Chef finale or the Terps game? The game starts at 9, Top Chef at 10. I simply cannot stop watching the game after investing an hour in it, yet I can not miss one second of TC. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? I may break my rule and drink to deal with the stress.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Iron Man Has Arrived

I don't know where he gets it from, but the kid thinks that he is awesome and good looking. He looks like my man 100%, yet my man doesn't act like that. The kid may hear me tell everyone that I am freaking awesome and may also hear my announcements of great hair days. I have great hair, get over it.

Anyways, today is pajama day at school. He insisted on wearing his Iron Man pajamas but not the robe that goes with it. He wears the robe all over the house and I swear he looks like mini Hugh Hefner, it's quite adorable.

So he gets himself dressed this morning and comes into my bedroom and says "Well?" with his hands extended out. I tell him he looks cute and he then says "I do, don't I?" and leaves the room. We are leaving the house and turns to me and says "Don't I look cute with my light up sneakers and my pajamas? The kids are going to love it!" Okay, now he is getting on my nerves.

We arrive at school, he changes into his slippers and marches into his classroom. Upon entering, he stops so everyone can look at him and compliment him on his look. As I am telling him goodbye, he tells me this: "You know, sunglasses would have been awesome with this look."

At least he is me on the inside. : )

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I Know You're Crafty

As you have read, I am walking 60 miles to try to help cure breast cancer. My friend and I are forming a team so we can do group fundraising like guest bartend and all that kind of stuff. The problem is we don't have a team name.

I know you are all crafty wordsmiths, so please, give me some ideas for a team name. Examples of some team names already taken are "Hakuna Ma Ta-Tas," "Boob-A-Licious," and "Second Base Beauties," you get the point. Make it as funny as possible, we want people to remember us!

Once I get a few names, I will have a poll as to which name you all like the best.


And since I haven't really posted anything about whats going on with me, just know this, I am in accounting and it is tax season. Enough said. Vodka has been consumed nightly. So for now, enjoy one of my favorite Conan bits. And sorry if I offended any Star Wars fans.

Monday, February 16, 2009

They're Real And They're Spectacular!

So would you help me save them?

As you may have seen from my earlier post, I am participating in a 60 mile walk. It's over 3 days in Washington DC for the Susan G. Komen for the Cure and the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund. My goal is to raise $2,300 (the minimum) but I would like to exceed it if possible. If you would like to donate, please click my widget on the left. (Ha ha! You get to click my widget!!!)

I know times are tough with this shitty economy and all, but even if you donate $1, you are doing something. My man's grandmother and aunt both lost their battles with breast cancer a few months apart. His grandmother had it twice, and his aunt lived with it for over 20 years, so this is something very near and dear to my heart. Everyone that I know, knows at least one person affected by breast cancer, whether it is a family member, friend or coworker. So please help me in this fight to find a cure for this horrible disease.

The walk isn't until October so there is plenty of time to make a donation. If you would like to, you can make the donation in memory of or in honor of somebody you know. And to show that I mean business, I will wear a pink ribbon on my shirt for every person that donates in honor or in memory of someone. I will write their name on a ribbon and wear it proud.

So get to clickin that widget!!! If you would like to make a donation but want to make it over time, you can spread your donation out to four monthly payments to a credit card.

Thank you in advance for all of you that will be supporting me. I am sure I will be bitching over the next few weeks as I start training. This week I am supposed to walk 3 miles a day, wish me luck!

I know...

...that I have been gone for a week. Updates to come later today. Here's a preview: had my 7 year anniversary where many drinks were consumed, registered for a 60 mile walk (yes 60 freaking miles), diets suck, and the weird shower family is back.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Crazy or Stink?

My man and I were talking in the living room last night when we hear "MOMMY!!!! GET IN HERE QUICK!!!!! HURRRRRYYYYYY!!!"

Immediately I run in there because usually the kid is a calm individual. I get in there and he pulls me down so he can whisper something to me. "Look in my closet." I look in, see nothing. "Look in the corner Mommy! It's so creepy!" I look again. Nothing. I ask him what has him so creeped out. With a concerned look he says:

"Elmo is giving me the stink eye and I don't like it. It's creeping me out and I am not a fan."

Welcome to my world.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

What time is it?

It's head cold time! Since I posted those pics last week of our snow storm, mother nature played a cruel trick on us here is the Mid-Atlantic. Last Thursday it was 29 degrees, Sunday and yesterday it got up to 58. WTF! Now as I type this, I have to keep taking breaks so I wont sneeze on my computer. It's horrible because they come out of no where and are violently strong.

On the up side, while the weekend was gorgeous, I took the little man for his swim lesson and he rocked it! Now he can go underwater to pick up the rings (this is huge progress for him considering he hates dunking his head while bathing). While we were watching his lesson, my man and I noticed something quite odd.

The class that was before little man's was done by 15 minutes when we noticed a family hanging out at the rinse off showers at the end of the room, conveniently at the end my son has his lesson. Normal people go there to get the chlorine off then proceed on their merry way. Not this family.

The family consisted of a mother and her three kids which I am guessing their ages to be 12, 8 and 3. We are watching little mans lesson and look over to the 3 year old being bathed at the showers. Bathed. In full view of everyone. The mother had a basket of body wash, loofahs, shampoo, you know, stuff for a shower inside a curtain. But did she care? Nope.

Normally I dont mind naked kids, it's a pool, it happens, but I do mind her washing her sons ass crack in front of me. Like bend over and let me get in there to scrub kind of washing. There are locker rooms with showers and her little boy can go in there since he is under the age of 6. She should have washed his ass in there. Oh, and while we are on the topic of asses, she washed hers there too along with other things down there. She tried to fool us by sticking her hands in her shorts to conceal this, but when there are open observation windows all around plus wet shorts that stick to everything, it's kind of hard to hide that.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Dear Bret Michaels



Dear Bret Michaels,

I love your show, even though I hate to admit it, it is trashtastic fun (especially with wine). I love how you think that girls that reek of Doritos and flat beer with silly circus clown fake boobs are hot. But let's get serious Bret, this needs to be said and I am not the only one that thinks this. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, STOP THE FUCKING PLASTIC SURGERY!!! Your lips look like Lisa Rinna's, your skin is unnaturally tight and shiny. And what is up with your eyes? I thought this pic was just the bad one out of the bunch, but every one looked like this. What the fuck is wrong with you? Look at what happened to Mickey Rourke. Please don't let that happen to you. If you have noticed, Mickey's face is haggard. Just cope with aging like the rest of us, start drinking.

Love your show!

The Smartass Milf

P.S. Please tell me that there will be a Season 4 because that would totally make my day.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The storm...Part 2

So the winter storm is gone. We only got about 3" of snow, but then we got 1/5" of ice on top of it. It was an absolute nightmare to go anywhere yesterday. I did manage to clean off the Jeep but I almost ate pavement a couple of times trying to clean the windshield.

For some reason last night I got a massive headache, and it has since turned into a mini-migraine. Now the kid is sick, home from school with a nice chest cold. I feel bad every time he coughs because it sounds like a lung is going to come up.

Since the past two days I have worked from home since school was closed, the kid has taken it upon himself to call me "Mamapops." I don't know why he is calling me that, but every time he does he giggles.

Oh, my man is still out of town and I am missing him terribly. The only good thing about him being gone is that I have cleaned nonstop. Not because I miss him, but because he isn't in my way. Every time I am unloading the dishwasher he has to reach over me to get a dish for something that he has to have right now instead of waiting two minutes. Drives me insane!

I need a new book to read so if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

I will leave you with a funny story. They finally plowed my neighborhood last night, but anywhere they didn't plow was covered in ice. So I was looking out the window to see if the freezing rain had stopped, and I noticed a man cleaning off his car. And by cleaning, I mean beating his car with an ice scraper trying to get through the layer of ice. I watch him for a few minutes laughing because he is loudly screaming grunting noises with each blow to his car. Then he fell, and it was not graceful at all. He was getting ready to strike his car again when his feet slipped and he fell to the ground. When I saw that, I was laughing so hard! I love seeing people fall for some reason. It just brings me joy. So I cracked a beer to celebrate and went back to Top Chef.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009



This is what the first round of the winter storm looks like, and it's only going to get worse.

Bad Monday

You know Monday is bad when you decide that cake with a side of Doritos is a perfectly good breakfast. Lunch was BLT with jalapeno cheetos, Dinner was a chicken pot pie with a beer. It was a rough day needless to say.

Well, my man left for the South on Sunday morning and won't be home until Saturday night. It turns out that I am hosting a full on Super Bowl party (GO STEELERS!!!) so this week I am trying to get the house super clean and organized. That way I can rearrange the living room so I have enough seating for everyone. Who knows if I will or not, I have a feeling some people might be standing.

Here in B-More we now have a Winter Storm Warning. They are saying anywhere from 3-6 inches of snow then some freezing rain on top of that. And of course I had to go to the grocery store like all of the other crazy people to stock up. Why do I always run out of food right before snow comes? Mother nature has a cruel sense of humor.

Oh, I did finally get Dance Dance Revolution for the 360 so you know I will be trying that tonight. I figured it would be cardio I could do at home and to make it more fun. I am getting burned out on the DVD's and it is too cold to run outside this time of year. Wish me luck!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

WTF!!!



Do you think this woman realized what she just said???

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Failed Road Trip

I finally caught up reading some blogs this morning, and the story that the Dutchess of Kickball told of her failed vacation reminded me of a trip that my man and I took shortly after we started dating.

My man and I were only dating maybe four months when he invited me to come with him to come to Canada with him and his family at their cottage on the lake. Being half Canadian, I jumped at the chance. The only thing holding me back was spending 4 days with his family, particularly, family I had only met a handful of times. Yet, I could not resist, vacations in Canada are awesome! The people are friendly, beautiful scenery, I get to see half of my family, and french fry trucks. That's right. Instead of ice cream trucks, they have french fry trucks and it's fucking awesome!

I should have known the trip was going to start off rough as soon as I forgot you had to have your birth certificate to cross the border. So the day we are supposed to leave I have to go to the Department of Records to get another copy. After waiting two hours for them just to print the damn thing, off to Canada we went. We left Baltimore around 8:00 p.m. to make it there before dawn.

About 3 hours into the drive we make it to Binghamton, PA to stop for gas. We stop at a truck stop/Subway (sweet combo, I know) to fill up, use the restroom, and buy some junk food for the rest of the ride. I go in while he is filling up. I come back out and he asks me for the keys. The conversation then goes like this:

My man: "Can I have the keys back? We gotta go."
Me: "Why would I have the keys? I didn't drive. I am the passenger, remember?"
My man: "Uh oh, we now have a BIG problem."
Me: "What problem could we possibly have? Stop dicking around and unlock the car."
My man: "I may have locked the keys inside."

So for the next three and a half hours we sit at a truck stop while waiting for Pop-A-Lock to come help us. We told the guy we were at exit 214 or something and that we were on the PA side of Binghamton, not NY. Well, the stupid asshat went to NY even though after you cross the border, the exit numbers start over at 1. So when he hit exit 14 he called and said that he went the wrong way and didn't have time to come help us. After bribing him with $50 extra he finally came. We didn't leave the truck stop until 5 a.m. because the guy then said he couldn't help us because we have power locks. When he got the door open, he immediately held out his hand for the extra cash.

Once we got to Canada, I had a blast and fell in love with his family. Moral of the story? Always have a hide a key on your car, if you don't, you will spend some time at a dirty truck stop that sells flavored condoms for a quarter in the bathroom.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Cold weather sucks!

I hate being cold. Especially while trying to drink. Do you know that it is 26 degrees outside and according to weather.com, really feels like nine. NINE FUCKING DEGREES PEOPLE!!!!!! I'm surprised my face has not frozen yet.

When we got to the cabin last weekend, it was 14 degrees. It was the same temperature inside until about 2:30 a.m. when the woodstove finally got hot enough to warm the place up to 50. This is what a committed drinker (me) looks like for 4 hours in 14 degrees in between rounds of beer pong.



Suck on THAT mother nature!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My son is going on tour...and Whoppi wants to throw down and so do I!

After the fabulous weekend at the cabin with some dear friends, my man and I stop over to his parents to pick up little man. We get there and he greets us warmly and then suddenly grabs his coat and says "let's roll, I'm ready to get home." Okay. Since when did he turn into a pimp?

So the next morning I am taking him to school when he informs me that he has made the decision to go on tour. The conversation goes like this:

"Mommy, I have decided I am going on tour."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I play my new guitar really good, so I need to tour and rock!"

"Where exactly are you going on this tour?"

"Ummm, I don't know. Probably the kitchen, or the dining room. I would only play the acoustic in the dining room since you have to sit down. Then you could really rock when I play in my room, I'll even let you jump on my bed."

Crisis averted.


Okay, so I caught a clip of The View when Ann "whackadoo" Coulter was on and I swear, if I could have reached through the TV, I would have. I just find it amazing that Whoopi didn't bitch slap her because you know she wanted to. The clips is 8 minutes but Ann gets ripped a new one the whole time, I love it.



Not to sound like I'm all on a soapbox or anything, but WTF? I was raised by a single mother and I'm not in jail. According to her I am a single mother for not being married, so that means little man will grow up to be a rapist or in jail. Really Ann? I know tons of single mothers who are doing a damn good job with their kids. My aunt is one, my friend is one, almost all of my friends come from broken homes. I don't see them in jail. Plus, she doesn't even have kids (thank God) so she has no room to talk about how to raise them.

I know mothers at my kids school who think like her. They look at me and just because I am young and not married, say that I am the "mother of a bastard" and it's so "tragic that she's a single mother" just because I don't have a ring on my finger. They say it while I am in the same room!!!

Well ladies, sorry I didn't wait until I was 40-ish to have my first child. I will be the one having all of the fun at 40 because little man will be 18. I will still be young enough to be awesome without looking ridiculous or trying to "recapture my youth" like you all are doing right now. I have tried to be nice to you, in fact, I still do. I have never been rude, always RSVP to parties and I always acknowledge you when you are near me. What gives???

Oh, and some of you should know, your husbands have hit on me more than once, a couple even asking me out for drinks.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Bacon'd

I am recovering from the weekend. There was beer pong, vodka, snow, vodka, snow and turkey. Therefore, Kevin Bacon is doing my work for me today.

He totally gets the joke and I love it! My new phrase is "You just got Bacon'd!!!!" Enjoy.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Have Crap TV, Will Watch

Yeah, I know. I have been gone for a couple of days. I know you missed me, it's okay. Truth is I have had a ton of meetings at work this week and all of my shows are new again! Thank goodness. Have you seen the whorefest that is Bret Michaels Rock of Love Bus? Why do I watch such crap? And no, any season of Real Housewives (or anything on Bravo for that matter) is not crap. So there, I have neglected you for reality TV.

But I did find one interesting thing on the local news. If any of you readers live in B-more, you are familiar with WJZ's segment where someone local sings Manic Monday on Monday mornings (in case you didn't get when they did this). May I introduce you to Dale from Canton. The video is over 5 minutes long but I guarantee it is totally worth it. I heart him and I want him to be my new bff. Any man that can wear a Madonna t-shirt is alright by me, in fact, he's AWESOME!!!

Okay, since I neglected you for a couple of days, here is a funny story about the kid. Remember the story that I told you about him painting with poo? Well, he was in the bath the other night. While he was in there I was cleaning up something in the living room and I hear "Mommy, I have a surprise for you!" I asked what it was and he very excitedly said "I wrote you a note on my bathtub!" I had a flashback and almost screamed in horror. I run into the bathroom to see "I heart Mommy" (with an actual heart) written in hot pink with crayons you take in the tub with you. I had forgotten that I had given them to him for Christmas. Panic attack gone. Glass of wine consumed. Fast.

Oh yeah, my man is leaving for GA in two weeks for work. He will be gone for two weeks, home for two weeks, and repeat this cycle for up to a year. Any ideas on how I can entertain myself while he is away? I think the first week will be alright but I am not sure how the second week will go. We have been together almost 7 years and the longest we have ever been apart is 4 days. I don't think I am going to like him being gone.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Thank you alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

I would like to thank you for getting me through the holidays. Without you, I would be nothing. I would really be sober but who wants to spend the holidays like that? I learned that instead of answering a question with a smartass answer, you should excuse yourself to top off your glass. When other people are putting your son's race track together and someone says "You just have to jam it in there" you can yell "That's what she said" loudly and still get a laugh.


You have helped me perfect my beer pong skills, which will come in handy this weekend while I spend it with friends in the mountains of PA. You helped me forget the memory of my mother shaming me over eating a piece of chocolate cream pie, yet sending 30 mini cupcakes, fudge, and cookies home with me. You helped me discover my new favorite vodka of all time, double espresso vodka. The best brand I have found so far is by Van Gogh. Could life get any better? To get a little extra kick in the morning, I highly recommend mixing a shot (or three) with a Full Throttle Vanilla Coffee Energy Drink.

You are good to me alcohol, I love you. You helped me survive the 11 days I had the kid home during winter break. There are only so many times I can hear the movie Cars, Spongebob's annoying ass voice, and any cartoon in general. Here's to you, may this year be better than the last, and may I not get a hangover.

Love Always,

The Smartass Milf