If You Saw The Leprechaun Say YEAHHHHH!!!

One of my favorite news clips. If are going out tonight, be safe, no DUI's or unprotected sex. Now enjoy the clip, especially the amateur sketch.

Thank you alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

I would like to thank you for getting me through the holidays. Without you, I would be nothing. I would really be sober but who wants to spend the holidays like that? I learned that instead of answering a question with a smartass answer, you should excuse yourself to top off your glass. When other people are putting your son's race track together and someone says "You just have to jam it in there" you can yell "That's what she said" loudly and still get a laugh.


You have helped me perfect my beer pong skills, which will come in handy this weekend while I spend it with friends in the mountains of PA. You helped me forget the memory of my mother shaming me over eating a piece of chocolate cream pie, yet sending 30 mini cupcakes, fudge, and cookies home with me. You helped me discover my new favorite vodka of all time, double espresso vodka. The best brand I have found so far is by Van Gogh. Could life get any better? To get a little extra kick in the morning, I highly recommend mixing a shot (or three) with a Full Throttle Vanilla Coffee Energy Drink.

You are good to me alcohol, I love you. You helped me survive the 11 days I had the kid home during winter break. There are only so many times I can hear the movie Cars, Spongebob's annoying ass voice, and any cartoon in general. Here's to you, may this year be better than the last, and may I not get a hangover.

Love Always,

The Smartass Milf

Holiday Recap

Night before Christmas Eve - Did last minute shopping because of course I didn't have everything I needed and had to run around like a crazy person. I then wrapped presents until 11:30 p.m. until I gave up from being exhausted.

Christmas Eve - Took little man to work with me. I told him he was doing a good job and he said "Thanks Mommy, I really appreciate it!" He is too grown for his own good. Did the presents thing with half of the in-laws. Drank a bit of wine. Good night.

Christmas - Ran around two states after we woke up at 5:30 a.m. to do the whole Santa thing. Didn't get home until 10 p.m. Once home I had a beer and crashed. Little man got an electric guitar, easel, and tons of trucks. His favorite toy? Trucks. Not even the freaking guitar!!! That drives me insane.

Yesterday - Hit the sale at Target. Got tons of holiday stuff for next year half off. I got BEAUTIFUL silver plates that I absolutely love, holiday decor, gift bags, and let little man pick out some toys. He picked out a Cars set and a stuffed animal. Now his favorite is a stuffed animal. He has thanked me about 12 times for it and I love it. The mother-in-law and I decided to celebrate the end of Christmas with a bunch of champagne.

Today - I have to clean, my place looks like a wreck with all of the stuff we had to bring home. I have bathrooms to clean, laundry to do and grocery shopping to do. I think I may hold the grocery shopping off until tomorrow, I have some partying to do tonight. Hooray Vodka!!!

Janie's Got A Gun...Or Just Some Questions

Last week the hilarious Janie asked if anyone would like to participate in a Q&A, naturally I told her I was game. I like a good Q&A, makes the time go by and you get to learn a little more about someone. So without further ado, here it goes.

Janie: How would you describe a typical day in your life?

Me: I typically wake up around 5:30 to get myself and little man ready for work and school. Drop him off, go to work, pick him up, make dinner, clean, watch mindless TV then crash. Glamorous I know. On the weekends I take it easy and have people over on Sundays for football and appetizers.

Janie: What are you most grateful for?

Me: I am grateful for my fabulous hair (it truly is), my boys, Coca-Cola, chocolate covered pretzels, martinis, wine (boxed or bottled) and snow.

Janie: I notice you like the “storyteller” songwriters – what draws you to them? ( I love Lucinda Williams!)

Me: I think I am drawn that kind of songwriting because it makes you think about things more. Whether the song is about love, heartbreak, annoyances, I think it helps you relate better to the subject. One of my all time favorite songs is Those Three Days by Lucinda Williams. When she sings this song, you can hear the pain in her soul. You feel her pain with her and you just want to tell her that whoever did that to her was an asshole and that there are WAY better men out there.

Janie: Why did you start blogging?

Me: I wanted to know that I am not the only one that is stressing out for what my man says is no reason. I have so much going on in my head that I forget to write down or forget to talk about. And, I am too lazy to write in a journal. Even though I buy one every time I am in B&N because they are pretty and on sale, I never write anything but a to do list in them. And when the little man finds one laying around, a garden is mysteriously drawn on several pages.

Janie: Who do you love, and what are you doing about it?

Me: I love my man and our son. I learned never to take anything for granted, even time. I cherish every day that I have with them. If my son wants to read, then I read with him. If my man wants to take a spontaneous drive, then I go. Life isn't guaranteed. Anyone you know could go at anytime, so please just surround yourself with the people you love and don't be afraid to tell them. Even if they say you tell them to much, it's better than not telling them at all. And if vodka were a man, I might just marry him because I love him.

Janie: If there were a movie of your life, what would be the title?

Me: Hmmm, that is a good question. The mom/responsible side would be called "Not Enough Time To Do All Of This Shit So Do It Yourself: A Lesson In How To Get Your Kid To Pick Up His God Damned Socks And Stop Leaving Them In The Middle Of The Floor" and the wild side would be called "How To Have A Great Time And Not Vomit"

Janie: Tell us a neat story about that kiddo of yours.

Me: While potty training little man almost 3 years ago (he started early thank God!!!), we would not let him get off of the training potty until he did what he had to do. So to pass the time, little man would sing his heart out. One night, after a few minutes of hearing him sing, it got awfully quiet. Too quiet actually. You parents know what I am talking about. It was the quiet where you know your kid is up to know good. So my man and I go to check on him, little did we know what we would see. We opened the bathroom door and found that little man had in fact gone to the bathroom, #2 to be exact. He let us know this because he used it as finger paint on the side of the bathtub, toilet, training potty and walls. Thank goodness we had bleach because my man scooped him up to throw him in our bathtub while I cleaned up the mess. It was a horrible night. From then on he was supervised when going potty.

I hope you enjoyed this Q&A as much as I did. If you would like to participate in one, please send me an email and I will be glad to ask you some questions. And be sure to check out Janie, she is hilarious!!! I'll give you the weekend update tomorrow and I promise it won't disappoint. My son called me a "butt shaker" at the holiday party, we went for the drive through the Appalachians and the Steelers lost...until tomorrow.

Let the weekend begin...

I am officially off until Monday. Jealous? I thought so. The bad news? I am out of wine. And by out I mean out. Nada, zilch, zero.

Okay, right now I am watching LA Ink and I must say that Kat Von D is a whackadoo. She decorated Nikki Sixx's studio with fencing gear, a prosthetic leg, meat hooks, a gold spray painted baby and scissors. And guess what? He fucking LOVES it! I know Nikki is a weird dude. If you have ever read the books Heroin Diaries or The Dirt (which I highly recommend, especially if you love Intervention like I do), you know what I am talking about. But meat hooks? He saw them and said "You know, I was looking for some online the other day." Really? Who the fuck looks for meat hooks if they aren't running a butcher shop?

Anyways, my weekend has started and I have no wine. I have decided that I am not putting a tree up this year. I have decided to enjoy my weekend and not stress, even though this is the last weekend before Christmas. I am going to embrace the freedom.

So with that, my man and I are taking the boy on an off road adventure. We are going to hit a loop in the Appalachain mountains for a nice 3 hour ride. There will be a bunch of us going and there are plenty of places to stop and enjoy the scenery. Then that night we are going to a holiday party where I can get happy drunk. I hope your weekend will be stress free, may you get your shopping done and may you find some wine. I know I will.

Bah Humbugh and the poor Ravens

For some reason, I am not a fan of the holidays this year. It may be because I have absolutely nothing done. I usually have our tree up the day after Thanksgiving along with all of the decorations. Ask me if I have done any of this...the answer is no. I only have the lighted garland up because it takes way less effort to do that then put up a whole tree. So since the box of decorations is open in our den, the kid has taken it upon himself to take things to decorate his room. So far he has stockings hung on his dresser, one of them is filled with pinecones and an empty candle box. He has lighted garland on top of his dresser. Garland around they door handles of his bedroom door and the closet doors. He has a wooden snowman in his window because he believes that Santa will be sure to see his friend and stop in. At least someone in the house has the holiday spirit. I have too much to get done and not enough time. Bah Humbugh.

Speaking of Bah Humbugh, I am sure that the Ravens fans are BITTER that the Steelers kicked their ass on Sunday. I personally laughed at our neighbors who earlier in the game, would come out to yell what the score was to the neighborhood. Once the Ravens started losing, they retreated into their homes and would not come out. I loved it.

One final note...if I am visibly in the middle of something, do not stand there and breathe heavily until I acknowledge you just so you can interrupt what I am doing to ask me 13,458 questions about something you have been doing longer than I have. Fuck off!!!! I do not do your job so how would I know how to do it better than you??? I need wine and it's only 10 a.m. I hate that feeling.

Let the drinking begin

Well, with Thanksgiving here and gone, the holiday season has officially started. For me, this means that I have an excuse to drink more than I usually do. Scary, I know. The holidays are not my favorite time of year, too much traveling since half of my mans family lives in central PA, and too much time with noisy toys given to the kid by relatives who think it's hilarious.

After shopping Friday, I decided to treat myself to a little alone time while the kid was with relatives and my man was working in the garage. So my time consisted of drinking my beloved boxed wine and playing Tiger Woods golf on the 360. I created my own player and she totally rocks the pink outfit. I really suck at playing so I quickly turned it into a drinking game. For every bad shot, take a drink. Because of this I had a bottle and a half of wine and was drunk within an hour. Did I mention that all of this happened before 6 pm? Friday was a great day!

Saturday my bff and I decided to go to Ikea. I decided to get some new wine glasses since all of the ones I got last year from Crate & Barrel broke. So naturally, I got the ones that held the most wine. I simply can not be bothered walking the 10 steps to the kitchen to refill. So there we were waiting to get onto the elevator with our cart when we spied shiny wine racks that we decided we had to have. Now. We were the first ones at the elevator and then a crowd gathered to get on it. The doors opened and not one person let us get on first. They all crowded into it and the old man had the nerve to wave to us as the doors shut! What the fuck? I know the elevator holds only 6 people or two people and a cart but still. Let the people that were waiting first get on the damn thing!!!!!!!! I don't care how old you are, wait your fucking turn!

If all of this happened in the first two days of the holiday season, I am going to need more wine to survive the rest...

Oh winter, how I love thee...

Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted in a while. Or maybe you didn't. The reason I haven't? Did I finally finish my book? Did I do something meaningful like donate old clothes to the Salvation Army? Did I spend quality time with family and friends? Did my man take me out by surprise?

I did NOT finish my book. Yet. I am in the middle of organizing/cleaning out the closets in the house and gathering things to donate to the Goodwill and Salvation Army so I am still in the process. I spent quality time with friends and family since we had them over for football/guitar hero battles on Sunday (I totally rock - on medium). And my man surprised me Saturday night and took me out to dinner sans little man. It was quite productive if I say so myself.

I was trying to get everything done by the first snow, but alas, I have failed. It snowed while at work today. It was only flurries but to me that still counts. Nothing stuck to the ground, but I still hope. I hope that we get covered in snow. Everything just looks so much prettier with the first real snow. People here in MD freak out like the apocolypse is coming if the weatherman calls for an INCH. But I think that is what I love about it. Just knowing that my mother will be one of the crazy people in line to get bread, eggs and toilet paper gives me sheer joy. It means that winter is here.

So tonight I am planning on locking myself in the bathroom after dinner to 1. clean it in peace, 2. dye my hair, 3. read while the color sets and 4. get away from guitar hero practice and High School Musical 2. Even though Zac Efron is HOT, I can not watch him sing and dance, even on mute. My little one is obsessed with this movie, which by the way was not purchased by us, but by my in-laws. I need girl time, I need sanity, and I need a room that has that. Oddly enough it's the bathroom for me. I have all of my makeup in there so in between chapters I can try the new mascara I just got and see how many different ways I can make myself hotter for my mans company party this weekend. Hopefully I will at least finish my book.

Today sucks

So...is it me or does today totally suck balls? I have been crazy busy today with no time to breathe. I thought a lunchtime manicure would cheer me up. Nope. Assclowns did not care that i have 13 air bubbles in each nail and REFUSED to give me a refund or repolish because they were so busy (there were two whole customers there) and the fact that I paid with my card. I hate people sometimes.

I decided that I am going to go to my regular place and just buy the polish and do it myself at home tonight after my cardio max workout DVD. Pray that it doesn't make me throw up. I want to run a 5k in December so if I am going to achieve this goal I need to do cardio at least twice a day and run three times each weekend to build up my endurance. Think I can do it?

Watch the video below. It is one of the cutest things ever! Totally cheered me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37EMBdL9-bw

By the way, I am chaperoning my cousins field trip to NYC next month, right before christmas, so I need some ideas of what to do. I know we are touring NBC studios but that's about it. Please leave some suggestions!!!

New election options???

I was refreshing MSNBC today while listening to XM. Everything was going great, I was rocking out while working AND catching up on the latest election news when suddenly the worst possible thing came on the radio...The Jonas Brothers!!! Who the fuck are they and why are they famous???

Naturally, I Googled them and found out that they are quite fugly, well, except for the middle one, if he would cut his hair, start lifting and stop waxing. I'm not knocking their values or anything like that, I just don't get the whole big deal about them. I tried to listen to one of their songs but I couldn't make it 45 seconds without discovering that I was nearly jabbing out my ear drum with my mechanical pencil.

Suddenly, I had an idea....

If Election Day is a day to vote people in and out of political office, why can't we do that with celebrities? I for one would like to see Miley Cyrus, the "Jo Bros" (what the kids call the Jonas Brothers, I know), Tyra Banks, Mario Lopez, Heidi & Spencer, and Criss Angel to go away, starting tomorrow. Who would you want to see gone, celebrity or not, and why?

All Hallows Eve

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween. The kid is going as Top Gun. Complete with helmet, jumpsuit and light up Skechers. When he is wearing the helmet or the jumpsuit, you can only address him as Top Gun.

I would also like to wish a Happy Belated Birthday to my dear friend, The Whore. I now have to put OLD in front of Whore when addressing her. May she celebrate with a glass of wine with dinner and six more for breakfast. She has been busting her ass in nursing school and is doing awesome - straight A's bitches!!! I am so proud of her even though school is taking up all of our together time, and by together time I mean drinking time. Happy Birthday you OLD WHORE!!! May you have the best first annual 29th birthday EVER!!!