Monday, January 5, 2009

Thank you alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

I would like to thank you for getting me through the holidays. Without you, I would be nothing. I would really be sober but who wants to spend the holidays like that? I learned that instead of answering a question with a smartass answer, you should excuse yourself to top off your glass. When other people are putting your son's race track together and someone says "You just have to jam it in there" you can yell "That's what she said" loudly and still get a laugh.

You have helped me perfect my beer pong skills, which will come in handy this weekend while I spend it with friends in the mountains of PA. You helped me forget the memory of my mother shaming me over eating a piece of chocolate cream pie, yet sending 30 mini cupcakes, fudge, and cookies home with me. You helped me discover my new favorite vodka of all time, double espresso vodka. The best brand I have found so far is by Van Gogh. Could life get any better? To get a little extra kick in the morning, I highly recommend mixing a shot (or three) with a Full Throttle Vanilla Coffee Energy Drink.

You are good to me alcohol, I love you. You helped me survive the 11 days I had the kid home during winter break. There are only so many times I can hear the movie Cars, Spongebob's annoying ass voice, and any cartoon in general. Here's to you, may this year be better than the last, and may I not get a hangover.

Love Always,

The Smartass Milf


Allison said...

Alcohol is also good when you visit your fiance's family in rural Missouri and you are literally the fifth wheel for five days. When his sister proclaims that there are no good games for five people only good games for four people, you can shout a nice wine-induced, "You're such a cunt whore!"

Then they love you even more.

Sabrae Carter said...

alcohol is wonderful

King of New York Hacks said...

Alcohol, and singing along with Sandy the Squirrel from Spongebob while she sings " I wanna go Howowhoa Howhoawhoa whoa whoa whoahaHOME !!! I wanna go home" is almost like having an out of body experience.Especially when its not on the TV and you are in public. Good times that alcohol brings.