Congratulations!!!

I just want to announce that our friends Emily & Shawn just welcomed their new baby girl into the world today. I will be going to see her tonight, and hopefully, will get some more pics, but for now, enjoy the pic that was sent to me.

I Hate Miley But Love Tequila

In the news today, it is reported that Miley Cyrus is writing an autobiography to be titled "Miles To Go" that chronicles her preteen life in Tennessee. Give me a fucking break. She has the life I dream of. I would love to be 16, have a smoking hot boyfriend who just happens to be an underwear model, live in a house that I paid for, and have my biggest problem be that I got a hand-me-down Porsche. Oh the trauma she must face! Hand-me-down Porsche? Yes please!

In light of this news, it made me think about what I would write in my autobiography (if I were to do so). I immediately thought about tequila and all of the great times we have had together.

One instance is that a girlfriend and I went over to play drinking games at a guy friends house (I had a TON of guy friends). On this particular evening, there was only four of us there, two boys, two girls. What do we do? Drink and decide play strip poker of course!

Somehow tequila came out, the game turned to truth or dare once I was down to my matching bra and undies (panties sounds creepy to me and thank goodness it was not a thong!) and my friend was I think topless or close to it. It was my turn and I picked dare. I was dared to run down the entire street in all of my half naked glory while screaming "I LOVE TEQUILA" at 3:15 a.m. in the residential neighborhood we were in.

Not one to ever back down from a dare, I did it. I was allowed to put on shoes but nothing else. Some neighbors were pissed, some laughed and I even got a beer handed to me along my run back by what I now remember was the creepy old man in that 'hood. I had forgotten all about this little incident until the girl that was with me that night reminded me. Suddenly the memory came flooding back. I couldn't help but smile and thank God that I did not puke that night.

While pondering this fun night, I remembered that in my heavy party days, I carried my video camera everywhere. I taped so much stuff that I don't remember. Once I viewed the tapes, the flashbacks came and warmed my soul. It reminded me of life BC (before child), before my man, where the biggest worry I had was a car payment. I had the greatest times, whether they were at a frat party at Maryland or sitting and having a beer on someone's back porch.

I watch my son now, and think how lucky he is. He has no clue what rent is. His biggest responsiblity is cleaning his room. I just hope he had as much fun as I did, and still do.

Iron Man Has Arrived

I don't know where he gets it from, but the kid thinks that he is awesome and good looking. He looks like my man 100%, yet my man doesn't act like that. The kid may hear me tell everyone that I am freaking awesome and may also hear my announcements of great hair days. I have great hair, get over it.

Anyways, today is pajama day at school. He insisted on wearing his Iron Man pajamas but not the robe that goes with it. He wears the robe all over the house and I swear he looks like mini Hugh Hefner, it's quite adorable.

So he gets himself dressed this morning and comes into my bedroom and says "Well?" with his hands extended out. I tell him he looks cute and he then says "I do, don't I?" and leaves the room. We are leaving the house and turns to me and says "Don't I look cute with my light up sneakers and my pajamas? The kids are going to love it!" Okay, now he is getting on my nerves.

We arrive at school, he changes into his slippers and marches into his classroom. Upon entering, he stops so everyone can look at him and compliment him on his look. As I am telling him goodbye, he tells me this: "You know, sunglasses would have been awesome with this look."

At least he is me on the inside. : )

They're Real And They're Spectacular!

So would you help me save them?

As you may have seen from my earlier post, I am participating in a 60 mile walk. It's over 3 days in Washington DC for the Susan G. Komen for the Cure and the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund. My goal is to raise $2,300 (the minimum) but I would like to exceed it if possible. If you would like to donate, please click my widget on the left. (Ha ha! You get to click my widget!!!)

I know times are tough with this shitty economy and all, but even if you donate $1, you are doing something. My man's grandmother and aunt both lost their battles with breast cancer a few months apart. His grandmother had it twice, and his aunt lived with it for over 20 years, so this is something very near and dear to my heart. Everyone that I know, knows at least one person affected by breast cancer, whether it is a family member, friend or coworker. So please help me in this fight to find a cure for this horrible disease.

The walk isn't until October so there is plenty of time to make a donation. If you would like to, you can make the donation in memory of or in honor of somebody you know. And to show that I mean business, I will wear a pink ribbon on my shirt for every person that donates in honor or in memory of someone. I will write their name on a ribbon and wear it proud.

So get to clickin that widget!!! If you would like to make a donation but want to make it over time, you can spread your donation out to four monthly payments to a credit card.

Thank you in advance for all of you that will be supporting me. I am sure I will be bitching over the next few weeks as I start training. This week I am supposed to walk 3 miles a day, wish me luck!

The storm...Part 2

So the winter storm is gone. We only got about 3" of snow, but then we got 1/5" of ice on top of it. It was an absolute nightmare to go anywhere yesterday. I did manage to clean off the Jeep but I almost ate pavement a couple of times trying to clean the windshield.

For some reason last night I got a massive headache, and it has since turned into a mini-migraine. Now the kid is sick, home from school with a nice chest cold. I feel bad every time he coughs because it sounds like a lung is going to come up.

Since the past two days I have worked from home since school was closed, the kid has taken it upon himself to call me "Mamapops." I don't know why he is calling me that, but every time he does he giggles.

Oh, my man is still out of town and I am missing him terribly. The only good thing about him being gone is that I have cleaned nonstop. Not because I miss him, but because he isn't in my way. Every time I am unloading the dishwasher he has to reach over me to get a dish for something that he has to have right now instead of waiting two minutes. Drives me insane!

I need a new book to read so if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

I will leave you with a funny story. They finally plowed my neighborhood last night, but anywhere they didn't plow was covered in ice. So I was looking out the window to see if the freezing rain had stopped, and I noticed a man cleaning off his car. And by cleaning, I mean beating his car with an ice scraper trying to get through the layer of ice. I watch him for a few minutes laughing because he is loudly screaming grunting noises with each blow to his car. Then he fell, and it was not graceful at all. He was getting ready to strike his car again when his feet slipped and he fell to the ground. When I saw that, I was laughing so hard! I love seeing people fall for some reason. It just brings me joy. So I cracked a beer to celebrate and went back to Top Chef.

My son is going on tour...and Whoppi wants to throw down and so do I!

After the fabulous weekend at the cabin with some dear friends, my man and I stop over to his parents to pick up little man. We get there and he greets us warmly and then suddenly grabs his coat and says "let's roll, I'm ready to get home." Okay. Since when did he turn into a pimp?

So the next morning I am taking him to school when he informs me that he has made the decision to go on tour. The conversation goes like this:

"Mommy, I have decided I am going on tour."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I play my new guitar really good, so I need to tour and rock!"

"Where exactly are you going on this tour?"

"Ummm, I don't know. Probably the kitchen, or the dining room. I would only play the acoustic in the dining room since you have to sit down. Then you could really rock when I play in my room, I'll even let you jump on my bed."

Crisis averted.


Okay, so I caught a clip of The View when Ann "whackadoo" Coulter was on and I swear, if I could have reached through the TV, I would have. I just find it amazing that Whoopi didn't bitch slap her because you know she wanted to. The clips is 8 minutes but Ann gets ripped a new one the whole time, I love it.



Not to sound like I'm all on a soapbox or anything, but WTF? I was raised by a single mother and I'm not in jail. According to her I am a single mother for not being married, so that means little man will grow up to be a rapist or in jail. Really Ann? I know tons of single mothers who are doing a damn good job with their kids. My aunt is one, my friend is one, almost all of my friends come from broken homes. I don't see them in jail. Plus, she doesn't even have kids (thank God) so she has no room to talk about how to raise them.

I know mothers at my kids school who think like her. They look at me and just because I am young and not married, say that I am the "mother of a bastard" and it's so "tragic that she's a single mother" just because I don't have a ring on my finger. They say it while I am in the same room!!!

Well ladies, sorry I didn't wait until I was 40-ish to have my first child. I will be the one having all of the fun at 40 because little man will be 18. I will still be young enough to be awesome without looking ridiculous or trying to "recapture my youth" like you all are doing right now. I have tried to be nice to you, in fact, I still do. I have never been rude, always RSVP to parties and I always acknowledge you when you are near me. What gives???

Oh, and some of you should know, your husbands have hit on me more than once, a couple even asking me out for drinks.

Have Crap TV, Will Watch

Yeah, I know. I have been gone for a couple of days. I know you missed me, it's okay. Truth is I have had a ton of meetings at work this week and all of my shows are new again! Thank goodness. Have you seen the whorefest that is Bret Michaels Rock of Love Bus? Why do I watch such crap? And no, any season of Real Housewives (or anything on Bravo for that matter) is not crap. So there, I have neglected you for reality TV.

But I did find one interesting thing on the local news. If any of you readers live in B-more, you are familiar with WJZ's segment where someone local sings Manic Monday on Monday mornings (in case you didn't get when they did this). May I introduce you to Dale from Canton. The video is over 5 minutes long but I guarantee it is totally worth it. I heart him and I want him to be my new bff. Any man that can wear a Madonna t-shirt is alright by me, in fact, he's AWESOME!!!

Okay, since I neglected you for a couple of days, here is a funny story about the kid. Remember the story that I told you about him painting with poo? Well, he was in the bath the other night. While he was in there I was cleaning up something in the living room and I hear "Mommy, I have a surprise for you!" I asked what it was and he very excitedly said "I wrote you a note on my bathtub!" I had a flashback and almost screamed in horror. I run into the bathroom to see "I heart Mommy" (with an actual heart) written in hot pink with crayons you take in the tub with you. I had forgotten that I had given them to him for Christmas. Panic attack gone. Glass of wine consumed. Fast.

Oh yeah, my man is leaving for GA in two weeks for work. He will be gone for two weeks, home for two weeks, and repeat this cycle for up to a year. Any ideas on how I can entertain myself while he is away? I think the first week will be alright but I am not sure how the second week will go. We have been together almost 7 years and the longest we have ever been apart is 4 days. I don't think I am going to like him being gone.

Thank you alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

I would like to thank you for getting me through the holidays. Without you, I would be nothing. I would really be sober but who wants to spend the holidays like that? I learned that instead of answering a question with a smartass answer, you should excuse yourself to top off your glass. When other people are putting your son's race track together and someone says "You just have to jam it in there" you can yell "That's what she said" loudly and still get a laugh.


You have helped me perfect my beer pong skills, which will come in handy this weekend while I spend it with friends in the mountains of PA. You helped me forget the memory of my mother shaming me over eating a piece of chocolate cream pie, yet sending 30 mini cupcakes, fudge, and cookies home with me. You helped me discover my new favorite vodka of all time, double espresso vodka. The best brand I have found so far is by Van Gogh. Could life get any better? To get a little extra kick in the morning, I highly recommend mixing a shot (or three) with a Full Throttle Vanilla Coffee Energy Drink.

You are good to me alcohol, I love you. You helped me survive the 11 days I had the kid home during winter break. There are only so many times I can hear the movie Cars, Spongebob's annoying ass voice, and any cartoon in general. Here's to you, may this year be better than the last, and may I not get a hangover.

Love Always,

The Smartass Milf

Holiday Recap

Night before Christmas Eve - Did last minute shopping because of course I didn't have everything I needed and had to run around like a crazy person. I then wrapped presents until 11:30 p.m. until I gave up from being exhausted.

Christmas Eve - Took little man to work with me. I told him he was doing a good job and he said "Thanks Mommy, I really appreciate it!" He is too grown for his own good. Did the presents thing with half of the in-laws. Drank a bit of wine. Good night.

Christmas - Ran around two states after we woke up at 5:30 a.m. to do the whole Santa thing. Didn't get home until 10 p.m. Once home I had a beer and crashed. Little man got an electric guitar, easel, and tons of trucks. His favorite toy? Trucks. Not even the freaking guitar!!! That drives me insane.

Yesterday - Hit the sale at Target. Got tons of holiday stuff for next year half off. I got BEAUTIFUL silver plates that I absolutely love, holiday decor, gift bags, and let little man pick out some toys. He picked out a Cars set and a stuffed animal. Now his favorite is a stuffed animal. He has thanked me about 12 times for it and I love it. The mother-in-law and I decided to celebrate the end of Christmas with a bunch of champagne.

Today - I have to clean, my place looks like a wreck with all of the stuff we had to bring home. I have bathrooms to clean, laundry to do and grocery shopping to do. I think I may hold the grocery shopping off until tomorrow, I have some partying to do tonight. Hooray Vodka!!!

Janie's Got A Gun...Or Just Some Questions

Last week the hilarious Janie asked if anyone would like to participate in a Q&A, naturally I told her I was game. I like a good Q&A, makes the time go by and you get to learn a little more about someone. So without further ado, here it goes.

Janie: How would you describe a typical day in your life?

Me: I typically wake up around 5:30 to get myself and little man ready for work and school. Drop him off, go to work, pick him up, make dinner, clean, watch mindless TV then crash. Glamorous I know. On the weekends I take it easy and have people over on Sundays for football and appetizers.

Janie: What are you most grateful for?

Me: I am grateful for my fabulous hair (it truly is), my boys, Coca-Cola, chocolate covered pretzels, martinis, wine (boxed or bottled) and snow.

Janie: I notice you like the “storyteller” songwriters – what draws you to them? ( I love Lucinda Williams!)

Me: I think I am drawn that kind of songwriting because it makes you think about things more. Whether the song is about love, heartbreak, annoyances, I think it helps you relate better to the subject. One of my all time favorite songs is Those Three Days by Lucinda Williams. When she sings this song, you can hear the pain in her soul. You feel her pain with her and you just want to tell her that whoever did that to her was an asshole and that there are WAY better men out there.

Janie: Why did you start blogging?

Me: I wanted to know that I am not the only one that is stressing out for what my man says is no reason. I have so much going on in my head that I forget to write down or forget to talk about. And, I am too lazy to write in a journal. Even though I buy one every time I am in B&N because they are pretty and on sale, I never write anything but a to do list in them. And when the little man finds one laying around, a garden is mysteriously drawn on several pages.

Janie: Who do you love, and what are you doing about it?

Me: I love my man and our son. I learned never to take anything for granted, even time. I cherish every day that I have with them. If my son wants to read, then I read with him. If my man wants to take a spontaneous drive, then I go. Life isn't guaranteed. Anyone you know could go at anytime, so please just surround yourself with the people you love and don't be afraid to tell them. Even if they say you tell them to much, it's better than not telling them at all. And if vodka were a man, I might just marry him because I love him.

Janie: If there were a movie of your life, what would be the title?

Me: Hmmm, that is a good question. The mom/responsible side would be called "Not Enough Time To Do All Of This Shit So Do It Yourself: A Lesson In How To Get Your Kid To Pick Up His God Damned Socks And Stop Leaving Them In The Middle Of The Floor" and the wild side would be called "How To Have A Great Time And Not Vomit"

Janie: Tell us a neat story about that kiddo of yours.

Me: While potty training little man almost 3 years ago (he started early thank God!!!), we would not let him get off of the training potty until he did what he had to do. So to pass the time, little man would sing his heart out. One night, after a few minutes of hearing him sing, it got awfully quiet. Too quiet actually. You parents know what I am talking about. It was the quiet where you know your kid is up to know good. So my man and I go to check on him, little did we know what we would see. We opened the bathroom door and found that little man had in fact gone to the bathroom, #2 to be exact. He let us know this because he used it as finger paint on the side of the bathtub, toilet, training potty and walls. Thank goodness we had bleach because my man scooped him up to throw him in our bathtub while I cleaned up the mess. It was a horrible night. From then on he was supervised when going potty.

I hope you enjoyed this Q&A as much as I did. If you would like to participate in one, please send me an email and I will be glad to ask you some questions. And be sure to check out Janie, she is hilarious!!! I'll give you the weekend update tomorrow and I promise it won't disappoint. My son called me a "butt shaker" at the holiday party, we went for the drive through the Appalachians and the Steelers lost...until tomorrow.

Let the weekend begin...

I am officially off until Monday. Jealous? I thought so. The bad news? I am out of wine. And by out I mean out. Nada, zilch, zero.

Okay, right now I am watching LA Ink and I must say that Kat Von D is a whackadoo. She decorated Nikki Sixx's studio with fencing gear, a prosthetic leg, meat hooks, a gold spray painted baby and scissors. And guess what? He fucking LOVES it! I know Nikki is a weird dude. If you have ever read the books Heroin Diaries or The Dirt (which I highly recommend, especially if you love Intervention like I do), you know what I am talking about. But meat hooks? He saw them and said "You know, I was looking for some online the other day." Really? Who the fuck looks for meat hooks if they aren't running a butcher shop?

Anyways, my weekend has started and I have no wine. I have decided that I am not putting a tree up this year. I have decided to enjoy my weekend and not stress, even though this is the last weekend before Christmas. I am going to embrace the freedom.

So with that, my man and I are taking the boy on an off road adventure. We are going to hit a loop in the Appalachain mountains for a nice 3 hour ride. There will be a bunch of us going and there are plenty of places to stop and enjoy the scenery. Then that night we are going to a holiday party where I can get happy drunk. I hope your weekend will be stress free, may you get your shopping done and may you find some wine. I know I will.

Oh winter, how I love thee...

Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted in a while. Or maybe you didn't. The reason I haven't? Did I finally finish my book? Did I do something meaningful like donate old clothes to the Salvation Army? Did I spend quality time with family and friends? Did my man take me out by surprise?

I did NOT finish my book. Yet. I am in the middle of organizing/cleaning out the closets in the house and gathering things to donate to the Goodwill and Salvation Army so I am still in the process. I spent quality time with friends and family since we had them over for football/guitar hero battles on Sunday (I totally rock - on medium). And my man surprised me Saturday night and took me out to dinner sans little man. It was quite productive if I say so myself.

I was trying to get everything done by the first snow, but alas, I have failed. It snowed while at work today. It was only flurries but to me that still counts. Nothing stuck to the ground, but I still hope. I hope that we get covered in snow. Everything just looks so much prettier with the first real snow. People here in MD freak out like the apocolypse is coming if the weatherman calls for an INCH. But I think that is what I love about it. Just knowing that my mother will be one of the crazy people in line to get bread, eggs and toilet paper gives me sheer joy. It means that winter is here.

So tonight I am planning on locking myself in the bathroom after dinner to 1. clean it in peace, 2. dye my hair, 3. read while the color sets and 4. get away from guitar hero practice and High School Musical 2. Even though Zac Efron is HOT, I can not watch him sing and dance, even on mute. My little one is obsessed with this movie, which by the way was not purchased by us, but by my in-laws. I need girl time, I need sanity, and I need a room that has that. Oddly enough it's the bathroom for me. I have all of my makeup in there so in between chapters I can try the new mascara I just got and see how many different ways I can make myself hotter for my mans company party this weekend. Hopefully I will at least finish my book.

I'm such a slacker...

Okay, no pics of the beer bottle costume because my camera died. I will see if I can get one from one of the people there. I will tell you that my friend and I each took out singles and he danced in the costume. I believe the dances that were done were: the sprinkler, running man, disco, cabbage patch and an attempt at the worm. Notice I only said attempt. After a few beers the worm is not the greatest idea.

I did however go camping last weekend for a charity off road day in the Jeep. Crawl for the Cure was awesome and our group came in second for total funds raised. A big thank you goes out to all of you that support any cause you see worthy! Hopefully one day there won't be any diseases or cancer.

Sorry my posts have been sparse lately, I am such a slacker. It also didn't help that we have had crazy deadlines here at work, which is really the reason why I have not posted anything in a while.

I almost forgot, I possibly made a love connection at the party I threw. I invited my newly single BFF and my best guy friend and they totally hit it off. Since then they have gone out on a couple of dates!!! YAY ME!

Since both of them are basically made for each other, I knew that they would try to pull some prank the day after their first date. She tried telling me that instead of going to a restaurant for dinner, he took her to Quizno's. I would have believed it if they both weren't emailing me all day with the exact same questions two minutes apart. Amateurs.

I literally got this from her at 2:13, "should I give him a chance to redeem himself? He seems like a really great guy!" and then this from him at 2:17, "do you think that there is any way I can redeem myself? You know I am a great guy and normally would not have done anything like that, money's just tight right now." I didn't let them know that I knew what was going on, I played into it just to see what other cheesy lines I could pull from them.

So after 7 that night she calls me with him on 3-way and says she has a confession. So I said "Oh, you mean the one about him not really taking you to Quizno's? Yeah, I know. Next time both of you shouldn't email me with the exact same lines." They were pissed that I knew but half expected it. I mean, who do they think they are kidding?

Nice try bitches!!!