Early Retirement...

Well, I busted my ass for 3 1/2 months to meet the April 15th deadline only to be laid off April 16th. It sucks but what can you do. Tonight I shall celebrate with $1 beers with some friends and not think about it. I am going to enjoy the most beautiful weekend by FINALLY putting the top down on the Jeep and cruising around. I have been stuck inside working like crazy but now that I dont have to, I won't. I have the place to myself this weekend and girls nights planned today and tomorrow. Drunken stories to follow...

I Know You're Crafty

As you have read, I am walking 60 miles to try to help cure breast cancer. My friend and I are forming a team so we can do group fundraising like guest bartend and all that kind of stuff. The problem is we don't have a team name.

I know you are all crafty wordsmiths, so please, give me some ideas for a team name. Examples of some team names already taken are "Hakuna Ma Ta-Tas," "Boob-A-Licious," and "Second Base Beauties," you get the point. Make it as funny as possible, we want people to remember us!

Once I get a few names, I will have a poll as to which name you all like the best.


And since I haven't really posted anything about whats going on with me, just know this, I am in accounting and it is tax season. Enough said. Vodka has been consumed nightly. So for now, enjoy one of my favorite Conan bits. And sorry if I offended any Star Wars fans.

What time is it?

It's head cold time! Since I posted those pics last week of our snow storm, mother nature played a cruel trick on us here is the Mid-Atlantic. Last Thursday it was 29 degrees, Sunday and yesterday it got up to 58. WTF! Now as I type this, I have to keep taking breaks so I wont sneeze on my computer. It's horrible because they come out of no where and are violently strong.

On the up side, while the weekend was gorgeous, I took the little man for his swim lesson and he rocked it! Now he can go underwater to pick up the rings (this is huge progress for him considering he hates dunking his head while bathing). While we were watching his lesson, my man and I noticed something quite odd.

The class that was before little man's was done by 15 minutes when we noticed a family hanging out at the rinse off showers at the end of the room, conveniently at the end my son has his lesson. Normal people go there to get the chlorine off then proceed on their merry way. Not this family.

The family consisted of a mother and her three kids which I am guessing their ages to be 12, 8 and 3. We are watching little mans lesson and look over to the 3 year old being bathed at the showers. Bathed. In full view of everyone. The mother had a basket of body wash, loofahs, shampoo, you know, stuff for a shower inside a curtain. But did she care? Nope.

Normally I dont mind naked kids, it's a pool, it happens, but I do mind her washing her sons ass crack in front of me. Like bend over and let me get in there to scrub kind of washing. There are locker rooms with showers and her little boy can go in there since he is under the age of 6. She should have washed his ass in there. Oh, and while we are on the topic of asses, she washed hers there too along with other things down there. She tried to fool us by sticking her hands in her shorts to conceal this, but when there are open observation windows all around plus wet shorts that stick to everything, it's kind of hard to hide that.

Dear Bret Michaels

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The storm...Part 2

So the winter storm is gone. We only got about 3" of snow, but then we got 1/5" of ice on top of it. It was an absolute nightmare to go anywhere yesterday. I did manage to clean off the Jeep but I almost ate pavement a couple of times trying to clean the windshield.

For some reason last night I got a massive headache, and it has since turned into a mini-migraine. Now the kid is sick, home from school with a nice chest cold. I feel bad every time he coughs because it sounds like a lung is going to come up.

Since the past two days I have worked from home since school was closed, the kid has taken it upon himself to call me "Mamapops." I don't know why he is calling me that, but every time he does he giggles.

Oh, my man is still out of town and I am missing him terribly. The only good thing about him being gone is that I have cleaned nonstop. Not because I miss him, but because he isn't in my way. Every time I am unloading the dishwasher he has to reach over me to get a dish for something that he has to have right now instead of waiting two minutes. Drives me insane!

I need a new book to read so if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

I will leave you with a funny story. They finally plowed my neighborhood last night, but anywhere they didn't plow was covered in ice. So I was looking out the window to see if the freezing rain had stopped, and I noticed a man cleaning off his car. And by cleaning, I mean beating his car with an ice scraper trying to get through the layer of ice. I watch him for a few minutes laughing because he is loudly screaming grunting noises with each blow to his car. Then he fell, and it was not graceful at all. He was getting ready to strike his car again when his feet slipped and he fell to the ground. When I saw that, I was laughing so hard! I love seeing people fall for some reason. It just brings me joy. So I cracked a beer to celebrate and went back to Top Chef.

WTF!!!

Do you think this woman realized what she just said???

Have Crap TV, Will Watch

Yeah, I know. I have been gone for a couple of days. I know you missed me, it's okay. Truth is I have had a ton of meetings at work this week and all of my shows are new again! Thank goodness. Have you seen the whorefest that is Bret Michaels Rock of Love Bus? Why do I watch such crap? And no, any season of Real Housewives (or anything on Bravo for that matter) is not crap. So there, I have neglected you for reality TV.

But I did find one interesting thing on the local news. If any of you readers live in B-more, you are familiar with WJZ's segment where someone local sings Manic Monday on Monday mornings (in case you didn't get when they did this). May I introduce you to Dale from Canton. The video is over 5 minutes long but I guarantee it is totally worth it. I heart him and I want him to be my new bff. Any man that can wear a Madonna t-shirt is alright by me, in fact, he's AWESOME!!!

Okay, since I neglected you for a couple of days, here is a funny story about the kid. Remember the story that I told you about him painting with poo? Well, he was in the bath the other night. While he was in there I was cleaning up something in the living room and I hear "Mommy, I have a surprise for you!" I asked what it was and he very excitedly said "I wrote you a note on my bathtub!" I had a flashback and almost screamed in horror. I run into the bathroom to see "I heart Mommy" (with an actual heart) written in hot pink with crayons you take in the tub with you. I had forgotten that I had given them to him for Christmas. Panic attack gone. Glass of wine consumed. Fast.

Oh yeah, my man is leaving for GA in two weeks for work. He will be gone for two weeks, home for two weeks, and repeat this cycle for up to a year. Any ideas on how I can entertain myself while he is away? I think the first week will be alright but I am not sure how the second week will go. We have been together almost 7 years and the longest we have ever been apart is 4 days. I don't think I am going to like him being gone.

Bah Humbugh and the poor Ravens

For some reason, I am not a fan of the holidays this year. It may be because I have absolutely nothing done. I usually have our tree up the day after Thanksgiving along with all of the decorations. Ask me if I have done any of this...the answer is no. I only have the lighted garland up because it takes way less effort to do that then put up a whole tree. So since the box of decorations is open in our den, the kid has taken it upon himself to take things to decorate his room. So far he has stockings hung on his dresser, one of them is filled with pinecones and an empty candle box. He has lighted garland on top of his dresser. Garland around they door handles of his bedroom door and the closet doors. He has a wooden snowman in his window because he believes that Santa will be sure to see his friend and stop in. At least someone in the house has the holiday spirit. I have too much to get done and not enough time. Bah Humbugh.

Speaking of Bah Humbugh, I am sure that the Ravens fans are BITTER that the Steelers kicked their ass on Sunday. I personally laughed at our neighbors who earlier in the game, would come out to yell what the score was to the neighborhood. Once the Ravens started losing, they retreated into their homes and would not come out. I loved it.

One final note...if I am visibly in the middle of something, do not stand there and breathe heavily until I acknowledge you just so you can interrupt what I am doing to ask me 13,458 questions about something you have been doing longer than I have. Fuck off!!!! I do not do your job so how would I know how to do it better than you??? I need wine and it's only 10 a.m. I hate that feeling.

Friday funk

I am in a funk because it is after 6 on a Friday and I am just leaving work. All I have to say is a heavy handed bartender is in my future and maybe some dinner. Enjoy your weekend and Go Steelers!!!

Throwback Thursday

This gem is circa 1992, courtesy of the El Paso PD. Nothing like some fake rap to reach the OG's. Enjoy.

The quest has a speed bump

In my quest to get my rocking hot body back, I have been eating healthier and exercising more. So far I have lost 12 pounds. I am not saying this to brag about how much I have accomplished so far so don't think that. Wait. Please think that. I am bragging. Beep beep bitches, I have lost 12 pounds. Only ** more to go. So in my quest, I have hit a speed bump. In the morning I like to have some OJ before leaving the house, then a protein bar once I get to work. I have eaten protein bars for at least 10 years and I love them, though the flavors are way better now than in 1998. So I have my bar this morning around 9ish. The day moves along normally, I run an errand at lunch, eat, get back to work and resume the day.

Flash forward to 2:00.

My stomach is making so much noise my coworker can hear it in her cube. She thinks I am hungry. I am not. I have cramps so bad that it feels like my stomach is going to burst. I sit at my desk clueless as to why I am feeling like this. I didn't have anything out of the ordinary to eat today. I am getting over a wicked head cold, but that's not it, I have had that for a week and if anything were to happen it would have happened days ago.

Suddenly I remember: I tried a new protein bar. New brand, new flavor, new everything. So I pick up the wrapper to see if there is anymore vitamins or anything different from the other kinds I eat. Nothing. Then I notice some fine print. Very fine print. I read it. It startles me yet I am enlightened as to why I am having digestive issues.

"WARNING: This product contains sugar alcohols, which may cause gastrointestinal discomfort. Excessive consumption may have a laxative effect."

Really? Okay, the print should be way bigger than fine for this little nugget of information. If I had known this, I would not have even thought about trying this at home, much less at work.

Today's lesson: Always have Tums in your desk.

Fuddruckers, bringing "fuckers" to the masses

Wednesday night was a fundraising night at Fuddruckers for the kid's school. We went even though we pay for him to go to this school. Why they have fundraisers, I am not sure, but all I knew was that I wouldn't be cooking dinner that night and that made me very happy. So we go as the happy little family we are. We order our food and then sit and wait for them to call our name when it's ready.

While we are waiting, I think I hear the guy say "Fuckers customer Bonnie, your food is ready." I tilt my head thinking that I could not have possibly heard him say fuckers, just said Fuddruckers fast, I just know it. My man sees the head tilt (I tend to do that while thinking) and says "Did you just hear that? It sounded like he said f-er" (we try not to curse around the kid). I say yes but clearly we heard him wrong. Besides, there is no possible way that he can get away with it twice and it just sounded like fucker because we have warped minds.

"Fuckers customer Nichols. Your food is ready"

Head tilt again, we both look at each other, laugh like we are 12 since mentally we are, then think how wrong it is that this guy is saying fucker in front of a ton of little kids. One of the mothers of a kid in his class came over to us and asked if we had heard what the guy was saying. Now it was confirmed. We said yes and she asked us if we thought it was as funny as she did. Of course we do! We live for stupid shit like this to happen. Innappropriate language? Check. Children hearing it? Check. The jackass is neither one of us? Check.

But don't worry. The kid didn't pick up on what the guy was saying, he just wanted to go play the arcade games.

Let the drinking begin

Well, with Thanksgiving here and gone, the holiday season has officially started. For me, this means that I have an excuse to drink more than I usually do. Scary, I know. The holidays are not my favorite time of year, too much traveling since half of my mans family lives in central PA, and too much time with noisy toys given to the kid by relatives who think it's hilarious.

After shopping Friday, I decided to treat myself to a little alone time while the kid was with relatives and my man was working in the garage. So my time consisted of drinking my beloved boxed wine and playing Tiger Woods golf on the 360. I created my own player and she totally rocks the pink outfit. I really suck at playing so I quickly turned it into a drinking game. For every bad shot, take a drink. Because of this I had a bottle and a half of wine and was drunk within an hour. Did I mention that all of this happened before 6 pm? Friday was a great day!

Saturday my bff and I decided to go to Ikea. I decided to get some new wine glasses since all of the ones I got last year from Crate & Barrel broke. So naturally, I got the ones that held the most wine. I simply can not be bothered walking the 10 steps to the kitchen to refill. So there we were waiting to get onto the elevator with our cart when we spied shiny wine racks that we decided we had to have. Now. We were the first ones at the elevator and then a crowd gathered to get on it. The doors opened and not one person let us get on first. They all crowded into it and the old man had the nerve to wave to us as the doors shut! What the fuck? I know the elevator holds only 6 people or two people and a cart but still. Let the people that were waiting first get on the damn thing!!!!!!!! I don't care how old you are, wait your fucking turn!

If all of this happened in the first two days of the holiday season, I am going to need more wine to survive the rest...

Why I have YET to finish my book

And the reasons are: Celebrity Rehab, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Intervention On Demand and laundry that seems never ending. Let's discuss these ridiculous shows shall we...

1. Celebrity Rehab: Gary Busey is fucking fantastically looney and I love it!!!! He thinks he is there to be a helper/counselor like what Dr. Drew is. That alone just cracks me up. He repeats that he is a "participant" over and over again because that is what it says on his contract. Umm, HELLO!!!! You are a "participant" in a group rehab facility dumbass. The other sad story is the model who was addicted to opiates because her mother turned them on to her. Of course Rodney King is there, he's just an alcoholic though so he is less interesting to me. And there is an American Idol reject, she too did drugs with her mom. But do you know who else is there??? Tawny Kitean!!! Plastic surgery has happened but I am warming up to her since she had something horrible happen to her and never told a soul. Check this out to see how crazy Gary Busey is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKJgeoap9Xo

2. Real Housewives of Atlanta: Okay, none of these girls will hold a place in my heart like the original OC gals, but they are super bitchy and I love it!!! But let's talk about Kim. She is my favorite on the show. She just doesn't give a flying fuck how she portrays herself and I love her for that! Homegirl can not sing to save her life but she still tries. I feel bad that she is no longer friends with NeNe but Sheree stepped in to be her new bff and all I have to say is watch your back Kim. Sheree looks like she would cut you with the heel of her Louboutins in a second if you cross her. But Kim, I love you, but you need to fix that mess of a wig/weave. It looks like straw and we know it's fake, and not even a good fake.

3. Intervention On Demand: Addicting. If you have On Demand, please watch Episode 68 or 69. The one with the girl that huffs the computer duster spray. Best. Episode. Ever. My friend laughs at me because I always have some wine while watching this show, especially if it's about alcoholics.

4. Laundry: I hate it, need I say more?

I am going to try to finish some more of my book tonight, but then again the season premiere of Top Chef New York comes on at 10. I don't think I will be able to restrain myself. Wish me luck!

Update

Okay, I still have about 200 pages to go but I am determined to read at least 100 of them tonight.

We had people over to rock out on guitar hero. Prioroties people!!! Especially when I have been challenged by an amateur. If he wants to talk shit, I will throw it right back in his face, even more so when he says he can't lose to a girl. But you know what? He lost. When will everyone just give up and accept that I am AWESOME???!!!

This man loves himself some Bush

Moron #1:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQVP2BV9LP0

What a shame. Seems like he didn't pay attention while he was in school. Or watching the news. Or reading the ballot. Or he lives under a rock.

Moron #2 is this guy:



He can't even count since the cost for a stamp is 42 cents and he put 39. Maybe this is an old picture, it probably is. I still like to think of this person as an idiot not only for the obvious reason, but because he though 5 cents was enough for the "trouble" of the postal worker.

You know who wouldn't do any of these things? My Edward. I want him to bite me while we are breaking some headboards. Two more weeks BITCHES!!!!

Today sucks

So...is it me or does today totally suck balls? I have been crazy busy today with no time to breathe. I thought a lunchtime manicure would cheer me up. Nope. Assclowns did not care that i have 13 air bubbles in each nail and REFUSED to give me a refund or repolish because they were so busy (there were two whole customers there) and the fact that I paid with my card. I hate people sometimes.

I decided that I am going to go to my regular place and just buy the polish and do it myself at home tonight after my cardio max workout DVD. Pray that it doesn't make me throw up. I want to run a 5k in December so if I am going to achieve this goal I need to do cardio at least twice a day and run three times each weekend to build up my endurance. Think I can do it?

Watch the video below. It is one of the cutest things ever! Totally cheered me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37EMBdL9-bw

By the way, I am chaperoning my cousins field trip to NYC next month, right before christmas, so I need some ideas of what to do. I know we are touring NBC studios but that's about it. Please leave some suggestions!!!