Friday, January 30, 2009

Dear Bret Michaels

Dear Bret Michaels,

I love your show, even though I hate to admit it, it is trashtastic fun (especially with wine). I love how you think that girls that reek of Doritos and flat beer with silly circus clown fake boobs are hot. But let's get serious Bret, this needs to be said and I am not the only one that thinks this. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, STOP THE FUCKING PLASTIC SURGERY!!! Your lips look like Lisa Rinna's, your skin is unnaturally tight and shiny. And what is up with your eyes? I thought this pic was just the bad one out of the bunch, but every one looked like this. What the fuck is wrong with you? Look at what happened to Mickey Rourke. Please don't let that happen to you. If you have noticed, Mickey's face is haggard. Just cope with aging like the rest of us, start drinking.

Love your show!

The Smartass Milf

P.S. Please tell me that there will be a Season 4 because that would totally make my day.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The storm...Part 2

So the winter storm is gone. We only got about 3" of snow, but then we got 1/5" of ice on top of it. It was an absolute nightmare to go anywhere yesterday. I did manage to clean off the Jeep but I almost ate pavement a couple of times trying to clean the windshield.

For some reason last night I got a massive headache, and it has since turned into a mini-migraine. Now the kid is sick, home from school with a nice chest cold. I feel bad every time he coughs because it sounds like a lung is going to come up.

Since the past two days I have worked from home since school was closed, the kid has taken it upon himself to call me "Mamapops." I don't know why he is calling me that, but every time he does he giggles.

Oh, my man is still out of town and I am missing him terribly. The only good thing about him being gone is that I have cleaned nonstop. Not because I miss him, but because he isn't in my way. Every time I am unloading the dishwasher he has to reach over me to get a dish for something that he has to have right now instead of waiting two minutes. Drives me insane!

I need a new book to read so if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

I will leave you with a funny story. They finally plowed my neighborhood last night, but anywhere they didn't plow was covered in ice. So I was looking out the window to see if the freezing rain had stopped, and I noticed a man cleaning off his car. And by cleaning, I mean beating his car with an ice scraper trying to get through the layer of ice. I watch him for a few minutes laughing because he is loudly screaming grunting noises with each blow to his car. Then he fell, and it was not graceful at all. He was getting ready to strike his car again when his feet slipped and he fell to the ground. When I saw that, I was laughing so hard! I love seeing people fall for some reason. It just brings me joy. So I cracked a beer to celebrate and went back to Top Chef.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

This is what the first round of the winter storm looks like, and it's only going to get worse.

Bad Monday

You know Monday is bad when you decide that cake with a side of Doritos is a perfectly good breakfast. Lunch was BLT with jalapeno cheetos, Dinner was a chicken pot pie with a beer. It was a rough day needless to say.

Well, my man left for the South on Sunday morning and won't be home until Saturday night. It turns out that I am hosting a full on Super Bowl party (GO STEELERS!!!) so this week I am trying to get the house super clean and organized. That way I can rearrange the living room so I have enough seating for everyone. Who knows if I will or not, I have a feeling some people might be standing.

Here in B-More we now have a Winter Storm Warning. They are saying anywhere from 3-6 inches of snow then some freezing rain on top of that. And of course I had to go to the grocery store like all of the other crazy people to stock up. Why do I always run out of food right before snow comes? Mother nature has a cruel sense of humor.

Oh, I did finally get Dance Dance Revolution for the 360 so you know I will be trying that tonight. I figured it would be cardio I could do at home and to make it more fun. I am getting burned out on the DVD's and it is too cold to run outside this time of year. Wish me luck!

Thursday, January 22, 2009


Do you think this woman realized what she just said???

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Failed Road Trip

I finally caught up reading some blogs this morning, and the story that the Dutchess of Kickball told of her failed vacation reminded me of a trip that my man and I took shortly after we started dating.

My man and I were only dating maybe four months when he invited me to come with him to come to Canada with him and his family at their cottage on the lake. Being half Canadian, I jumped at the chance. The only thing holding me back was spending 4 days with his family, particularly, family I had only met a handful of times. Yet, I could not resist, vacations in Canada are awesome! The people are friendly, beautiful scenery, I get to see half of my family, and french fry trucks. That's right. Instead of ice cream trucks, they have french fry trucks and it's fucking awesome!

I should have known the trip was going to start off rough as soon as I forgot you had to have your birth certificate to cross the border. So the day we are supposed to leave I have to go to the Department of Records to get another copy. After waiting two hours for them just to print the damn thing, off to Canada we went. We left Baltimore around 8:00 p.m. to make it there before dawn.

About 3 hours into the drive we make it to Binghamton, PA to stop for gas. We stop at a truck stop/Subway (sweet combo, I know) to fill up, use the restroom, and buy some junk food for the rest of the ride. I go in while he is filling up. I come back out and he asks me for the keys. The conversation then goes like this:

My man: "Can I have the keys back? We gotta go."
Me: "Why would I have the keys? I didn't drive. I am the passenger, remember?"
My man: "Uh oh, we now have a BIG problem."
Me: "What problem could we possibly have? Stop dicking around and unlock the car."
My man: "I may have locked the keys inside."

So for the next three and a half hours we sit at a truck stop while waiting for Pop-A-Lock to come help us. We told the guy we were at exit 214 or something and that we were on the PA side of Binghamton, not NY. Well, the stupid asshat went to NY even though after you cross the border, the exit numbers start over at 1. So when he hit exit 14 he called and said that he went the wrong way and didn't have time to come help us. After bribing him with $50 extra he finally came. We didn't leave the truck stop until 5 a.m. because the guy then said he couldn't help us because we have power locks. When he got the door open, he immediately held out his hand for the extra cash.

Once we got to Canada, I had a blast and fell in love with his family. Moral of the story? Always have a hide a key on your car, if you don't, you will spend some time at a dirty truck stop that sells flavored condoms for a quarter in the bathroom.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Cold weather sucks!

I hate being cold. Especially while trying to drink. Do you know that it is 26 degrees outside and according to, really feels like nine. NINE FUCKING DEGREES PEOPLE!!!!!! I'm surprised my face has not frozen yet.

When we got to the cabin last weekend, it was 14 degrees. It was the same temperature inside until about 2:30 a.m. when the woodstove finally got hot enough to warm the place up to 50. This is what a committed drinker (me) looks like for 4 hours in 14 degrees in between rounds of beer pong.

Suck on THAT mother nature!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My son is going on tour...and Whoppi wants to throw down and so do I!

After the fabulous weekend at the cabin with some dear friends, my man and I stop over to his parents to pick up little man. We get there and he greets us warmly and then suddenly grabs his coat and says "let's roll, I'm ready to get home." Okay. Since when did he turn into a pimp?

So the next morning I am taking him to school when he informs me that he has made the decision to go on tour. The conversation goes like this:

"Mommy, I have decided I am going on tour."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I play my new guitar really good, so I need to tour and rock!"

"Where exactly are you going on this tour?"

"Ummm, I don't know. Probably the kitchen, or the dining room. I would only play the acoustic in the dining room since you have to sit down. Then you could really rock when I play in my room, I'll even let you jump on my bed."

Crisis averted.

Okay, so I caught a clip of The View when Ann "whackadoo" Coulter was on and I swear, if I could have reached through the TV, I would have. I just find it amazing that Whoopi didn't bitch slap her because you know she wanted to. The clips is 8 minutes but Ann gets ripped a new one the whole time, I love it.

Not to sound like I'm all on a soapbox or anything, but WTF? I was raised by a single mother and I'm not in jail. According to her I am a single mother for not being married, so that means little man will grow up to be a rapist or in jail. Really Ann? I know tons of single mothers who are doing a damn good job with their kids. My aunt is one, my friend is one, almost all of my friends come from broken homes. I don't see them in jail. Plus, she doesn't even have kids (thank God) so she has no room to talk about how to raise them.

I know mothers at my kids school who think like her. They look at me and just because I am young and not married, say that I am the "mother of a bastard" and it's so "tragic that she's a single mother" just because I don't have a ring on my finger. They say it while I am in the same room!!!

Well ladies, sorry I didn't wait until I was 40-ish to have my first child. I will be the one having all of the fun at 40 because little man will be 18. I will still be young enough to be awesome without looking ridiculous or trying to "recapture my youth" like you all are doing right now. I have tried to be nice to you, in fact, I still do. I have never been rude, always RSVP to parties and I always acknowledge you when you are near me. What gives???

Oh, and some of you should know, your husbands have hit on me more than once, a couple even asking me out for drinks.

Monday, January 12, 2009


I am recovering from the weekend. There was beer pong, vodka, snow, vodka, snow and turkey. Therefore, Kevin Bacon is doing my work for me today.

He totally gets the joke and I love it! My new phrase is "You just got Bacon'd!!!!" Enjoy.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Have Crap TV, Will Watch

Yeah, I know. I have been gone for a couple of days. I know you missed me, it's okay. Truth is I have had a ton of meetings at work this week and all of my shows are new again! Thank goodness. Have you seen the whorefest that is Bret Michaels Rock of Love Bus? Why do I watch such crap? And no, any season of Real Housewives (or anything on Bravo for that matter) is not crap. So there, I have neglected you for reality TV.

But I did find one interesting thing on the local news. If any of you readers live in B-more, you are familiar with WJZ's segment where someone local sings Manic Monday on Monday mornings (in case you didn't get when they did this). May I introduce you to Dale from Canton. The video is over 5 minutes long but I guarantee it is totally worth it. I heart him and I want him to be my new bff. Any man that can wear a Madonna t-shirt is alright by me, in fact, he's AWESOME!!!

Okay, since I neglected you for a couple of days, here is a funny story about the kid. Remember the story that I told you about him painting with poo? Well, he was in the bath the other night. While he was in there I was cleaning up something in the living room and I hear "Mommy, I have a surprise for you!" I asked what it was and he very excitedly said "I wrote you a note on my bathtub!" I had a flashback and almost screamed in horror. I run into the bathroom to see "I heart Mommy" (with an actual heart) written in hot pink with crayons you take in the tub with you. I had forgotten that I had given them to him for Christmas. Panic attack gone. Glass of wine consumed. Fast.

Oh yeah, my man is leaving for GA in two weeks for work. He will be gone for two weeks, home for two weeks, and repeat this cycle for up to a year. Any ideas on how I can entertain myself while he is away? I think the first week will be alright but I am not sure how the second week will go. We have been together almost 7 years and the longest we have ever been apart is 4 days. I don't think I am going to like him being gone.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Thank you alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

I would like to thank you for getting me through the holidays. Without you, I would be nothing. I would really be sober but who wants to spend the holidays like that? I learned that instead of answering a question with a smartass answer, you should excuse yourself to top off your glass. When other people are putting your son's race track together and someone says "You just have to jam it in there" you can yell "That's what she said" loudly and still get a laugh.

You have helped me perfect my beer pong skills, which will come in handy this weekend while I spend it with friends in the mountains of PA. You helped me forget the memory of my mother shaming me over eating a piece of chocolate cream pie, yet sending 30 mini cupcakes, fudge, and cookies home with me. You helped me discover my new favorite vodka of all time, double espresso vodka. The best brand I have found so far is by Van Gogh. Could life get any better? To get a little extra kick in the morning, I highly recommend mixing a shot (or three) with a Full Throttle Vanilla Coffee Energy Drink.

You are good to me alcohol, I love you. You helped me survive the 11 days I had the kid home during winter break. There are only so many times I can hear the movie Cars, Spongebob's annoying ass voice, and any cartoon in general. Here's to you, may this year be better than the last, and may I not get a hangover.

Love Always,

The Smartass Milf