Early Retirement...

Well, I busted my ass for 3 1/2 months to meet the April 15th deadline only to be laid off April 16th. It sucks but what can you do. Tonight I shall celebrate with $1 beers with some friends and not think about it. I am going to enjoy the most beautiful weekend by FINALLY putting the top down on the Jeep and cruising around. I have been stuck inside working like crazy but now that I dont have to, I won't. I have the place to myself this weekend and girls nights planned today and tomorrow. Drunken stories to follow...

If You Saw The Leprechaun Say YEAHHHHH!!!

One of my favorite news clips. If are going out tonight, be safe, no DUI's or unprotected sex. Now enjoy the clip, especially the amateur sketch.

Decisions, decisions...

Obama or Real Housewives? What am I going to do? Watch the housewives bitch at each other on the "Tell All" special and then read about Obama's speech tomorrow.

This is where things get tricky: I am a HUGE fan of Top Chef; however, I am an ever bigger fan of college basketball, the Maryland Terps in particular. I heart Fabio and am royally pissed that he had to go home. Now who is going to reassure me that "This is not Top Scallop!" and charm me. Yet I live and breathe Terps basketball. My TV watching schedule revolves around games. I only cover myself with a Terps blanket during the season. I even put off a much needed nap on Saturday to watch them kick North Carolina's ass in overtime. I don't drink while watching games because they deserve my full attention. Did you see that??? I don't drink during Terps games. Now that is two occasions I don't drink (first one is anything kid related). The biggest game of our year is tomorrow night, us vs. Duke.


Fear the Turtle!!!

If you know anything about college b-ball, you know that Duke is a powerhouse. Coach K is truly awesome, but growing up in Maryland has taught me two things: Duke really is the devil (a blue one at that) and crabs are the most delicious things ever. Duke is somewhat of a rival for us. We have been in playoff contention so many times yet have had our hopes crushed in their hands. As soon as we think we have a shot they come and snatch it like the assholes that they are. Sure we have won our fair share of games against them, but it's the ones that hurt us the most that we remember.

The dilemma is this: watch the Top Chef finale or the Terps game? The game starts at 9, Top Chef at 10. I simply cannot stop watching the game after investing an hour in it, yet I can not miss one second of TC. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? I may break my rule and drink to deal with the stress.

Dear Bret Michaels

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Cold weather sucks!

I hate being cold. Especially while trying to drink. Do you know that it is 26 degrees outside and according to weather.com, really feels like nine. NINE FUCKING DEGREES PEOPLE!!!!!! I'm surprised my face has not frozen yet.

When we got to the cabin last weekend, it was 14 degrees. It was the same temperature inside until about 2:30 a.m. when the woodstove finally got hot enough to warm the place up to 50. This is what a committed drinker (me) looks like for 4 hours in 14 degrees in between rounds of beer pong.



Suck on THAT mother nature!

Have Crap TV, Will Watch

Yeah, I know. I have been gone for a couple of days. I know you missed me, it's okay. Truth is I have had a ton of meetings at work this week and all of my shows are new again! Thank goodness. Have you seen the whorefest that is Bret Michaels Rock of Love Bus? Why do I watch such crap? And no, any season of Real Housewives (or anything on Bravo for that matter) is not crap. So there, I have neglected you for reality TV.

But I did find one interesting thing on the local news. If any of you readers live in B-more, you are familiar with WJZ's segment where someone local sings Manic Monday on Monday mornings (in case you didn't get when they did this). May I introduce you to Dale from Canton. The video is over 5 minutes long but I guarantee it is totally worth it. I heart him and I want him to be my new bff. Any man that can wear a Madonna t-shirt is alright by me, in fact, he's AWESOME!!!

Okay, since I neglected you for a couple of days, here is a funny story about the kid. Remember the story that I told you about him painting with poo? Well, he was in the bath the other night. While he was in there I was cleaning up something in the living room and I hear "Mommy, I have a surprise for you!" I asked what it was and he very excitedly said "I wrote you a note on my bathtub!" I had a flashback and almost screamed in horror. I run into the bathroom to see "I heart Mommy" (with an actual heart) written in hot pink with crayons you take in the tub with you. I had forgotten that I had given them to him for Christmas. Panic attack gone. Glass of wine consumed. Fast.

Oh yeah, my man is leaving for GA in two weeks for work. He will be gone for two weeks, home for two weeks, and repeat this cycle for up to a year. Any ideas on how I can entertain myself while he is away? I think the first week will be alright but I am not sure how the second week will go. We have been together almost 7 years and the longest we have ever been apart is 4 days. I don't think I am going to like him being gone.

Thank you alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

I would like to thank you for getting me through the holidays. Without you, I would be nothing. I would really be sober but who wants to spend the holidays like that? I learned that instead of answering a question with a smartass answer, you should excuse yourself to top off your glass. When other people are putting your son's race track together and someone says "You just have to jam it in there" you can yell "That's what she said" loudly and still get a laugh.


You have helped me perfect my beer pong skills, which will come in handy this weekend while I spend it with friends in the mountains of PA. You helped me forget the memory of my mother shaming me over eating a piece of chocolate cream pie, yet sending 30 mini cupcakes, fudge, and cookies home with me. You helped me discover my new favorite vodka of all time, double espresso vodka. The best brand I have found so far is by Van Gogh. Could life get any better? To get a little extra kick in the morning, I highly recommend mixing a shot (or three) with a Full Throttle Vanilla Coffee Energy Drink.

You are good to me alcohol, I love you. You helped me survive the 11 days I had the kid home during winter break. There are only so many times I can hear the movie Cars, Spongebob's annoying ass voice, and any cartoon in general. Here's to you, may this year be better than the last, and may I not get a hangover.

Love Always,

The Smartass Milf

Holiday Recap

Night before Christmas Eve - Did last minute shopping because of course I didn't have everything I needed and had to run around like a crazy person. I then wrapped presents until 11:30 p.m. until I gave up from being exhausted.

Christmas Eve - Took little man to work with me. I told him he was doing a good job and he said "Thanks Mommy, I really appreciate it!" He is too grown for his own good. Did the presents thing with half of the in-laws. Drank a bit of wine. Good night.

Christmas - Ran around two states after we woke up at 5:30 a.m. to do the whole Santa thing. Didn't get home until 10 p.m. Once home I had a beer and crashed. Little man got an electric guitar, easel, and tons of trucks. His favorite toy? Trucks. Not even the freaking guitar!!! That drives me insane.

Yesterday - Hit the sale at Target. Got tons of holiday stuff for next year half off. I got BEAUTIFUL silver plates that I absolutely love, holiday decor, gift bags, and let little man pick out some toys. He picked out a Cars set and a stuffed animal. Now his favorite is a stuffed animal. He has thanked me about 12 times for it and I love it. The mother-in-law and I decided to celebrate the end of Christmas with a bunch of champagne.

Today - I have to clean, my place looks like a wreck with all of the stuff we had to bring home. I have bathrooms to clean, laundry to do and grocery shopping to do. I think I may hold the grocery shopping off until tomorrow, I have some partying to do tonight. Hooray Vodka!!!

Janie's Got A Gun...Or Just Some Questions

Last week the hilarious Janie asked if anyone would like to participate in a Q&A, naturally I told her I was game. I like a good Q&A, makes the time go by and you get to learn a little more about someone. So without further ado, here it goes.

Janie: How would you describe a typical day in your life?

Me: I typically wake up around 5:30 to get myself and little man ready for work and school. Drop him off, go to work, pick him up, make dinner, clean, watch mindless TV then crash. Glamorous I know. On the weekends I take it easy and have people over on Sundays for football and appetizers.

Janie: What are you most grateful for?

Me: I am grateful for my fabulous hair (it truly is), my boys, Coca-Cola, chocolate covered pretzels, martinis, wine (boxed or bottled) and snow.

Janie: I notice you like the “storyteller” songwriters – what draws you to them? ( I love Lucinda Williams!)

Me: I think I am drawn that kind of songwriting because it makes you think about things more. Whether the song is about love, heartbreak, annoyances, I think it helps you relate better to the subject. One of my all time favorite songs is Those Three Days by Lucinda Williams. When she sings this song, you can hear the pain in her soul. You feel her pain with her and you just want to tell her that whoever did that to her was an asshole and that there are WAY better men out there.

Janie: Why did you start blogging?

Me: I wanted to know that I am not the only one that is stressing out for what my man says is no reason. I have so much going on in my head that I forget to write down or forget to talk about. And, I am too lazy to write in a journal. Even though I buy one every time I am in B&N because they are pretty and on sale, I never write anything but a to do list in them. And when the little man finds one laying around, a garden is mysteriously drawn on several pages.

Janie: Who do you love, and what are you doing about it?

Me: I love my man and our son. I learned never to take anything for granted, even time. I cherish every day that I have with them. If my son wants to read, then I read with him. If my man wants to take a spontaneous drive, then I go. Life isn't guaranteed. Anyone you know could go at anytime, so please just surround yourself with the people you love and don't be afraid to tell them. Even if they say you tell them to much, it's better than not telling them at all. And if vodka were a man, I might just marry him because I love him.

Janie: If there were a movie of your life, what would be the title?

Me: Hmmm, that is a good question. The mom/responsible side would be called "Not Enough Time To Do All Of This Shit So Do It Yourself: A Lesson In How To Get Your Kid To Pick Up His God Damned Socks And Stop Leaving Them In The Middle Of The Floor" and the wild side would be called "How To Have A Great Time And Not Vomit"

Janie: Tell us a neat story about that kiddo of yours.

Me: While potty training little man almost 3 years ago (he started early thank God!!!), we would not let him get off of the training potty until he did what he had to do. So to pass the time, little man would sing his heart out. One night, after a few minutes of hearing him sing, it got awfully quiet. Too quiet actually. You parents know what I am talking about. It was the quiet where you know your kid is up to know good. So my man and I go to check on him, little did we know what we would see. We opened the bathroom door and found that little man had in fact gone to the bathroom, #2 to be exact. He let us know this because he used it as finger paint on the side of the bathtub, toilet, training potty and walls. Thank goodness we had bleach because my man scooped him up to throw him in our bathtub while I cleaned up the mess. It was a horrible night. From then on he was supervised when going potty.

I hope you enjoyed this Q&A as much as I did. If you would like to participate in one, please send me an email and I will be glad to ask you some questions. And be sure to check out Janie, she is hilarious!!! I'll give you the weekend update tomorrow and I promise it won't disappoint. My son called me a "butt shaker" at the holiday party, we went for the drive through the Appalachians and the Steelers lost...until tomorrow.

Friday funk

I am in a funk because it is after 6 on a Friday and I am just leaving work. All I have to say is a heavy handed bartender is in my future and maybe some dinner. Enjoy your weekend and Go Steelers!!!